I would wake up each morning and finding myself dependent on what would I have to read on the screen of my cellphone.. If the first message from HER would be a good one, then, I'll start a good day, if not then, that's an iteration of day wasted... My interactions to other people however, is self-sustaining. But whenever it happens, I still think I'm still the luckiest person alive, because I'm in love. I've lost all my reasoning, by loving. I'm weak, I'm stiff. Still, I'm stubborn. I know.

Everyday my mind goes through a lot.
I've got every pain you can subdue in an everyday torture machine you got. But it didn't manage to attach and process it all at once, that would be general suicide. My favorite would be emotional. It's like I feed into it, that I forget how to live life without it. I've thrown away seeing the happy side, oblivious to that I found happiness on the other side. But I hope that I can prolonged it, cause I think if I would only find pain and null happiness I think we'll be BOTH subjected to some nothingness, that I don't want to happen.

If I hear screech, it's a signal that I'll stay.

I am.


For immature purposes, I always posed for something egotistical. I love challenging people. I love changing their views about me. I love how to make them realized they were wrong. They were wrong loving me, or making a fuzz to really know me. Now, I know I did wrong. I can't take back all of those. Maybe I was too casual about it, I was a real jerk. Maybe because I love to jerk around jerking people. Now that really pissed someone. I know that someone really cared for me well, loves me. And I pissed the hell out of her. I'm wishful that I have done that to other people rather than her. Stupidity took over, and I obliged. I'm really sorry for my accountable mistakes done. I think I will never be loved just the same by this person. I'm sorry for myself.

Damn right, I'm obsessed.

You don't know the feeling, it consumes you... Draining all your memories of alienated days, of how you really became as what you are now, and losing yourself in the process... It's like you've lost your identity, your nature, your body and soul. You've been dominated to the idea that you are so much in love and in love with the same idea that brought you to where you are now. You will lose control to everything, much you have invested to live your life as a euphoric being. I suck at controlling, telling myself I can handle this and that.. to the conspiracy that I admire, I thought I can, But it did kill me. In so many ways.

People who really cares about me have now turned their backs on me, because I don't listen to their warnings and all, to the idea that it s the first time that I experienced this and I'm loving it, so just they just stayed away.. leaving me with nothing....

Before I have love her, I told myself I was ready. Pretty damn ready to be hurt again... Constraining it, I think I gave it all again, leaving nothing for myself... You just love no matter how stupid you become... Another understatement of my queer attitude and odd thinking... Now I think I've lost it. I'm going insane. I want to let go, maybe it'll be for the better... But I just don't... This time I suck because my strongest point was her and letting her go will bring me death... she's my weakness and all... And for the last reason I had in my mind... I've been selfish, I loved her without considering how'd she feel... and for the same reasons I'm hurting her... Loving the person doesn't mean you have the right to hurt them.. :(

I'm in confusion.

I'm blogging because I hate myself.

I'm easily influenced by people around me. I hate it because, it can change me to something that is not which I'm such. I hate myself because I can't trust people so close to me that the moment I realized that I have to, they're gone, or its just too late, I've already hurt them. I really really hate myself for not having my own intuition in place. I've been very cruel, I've hurt the most important people to me. People who will never hurt me intentionally. But I did. I'm wishful to the idea of having things back, as they were, or have it a second chance. I really didn't mean to be such. And I just can't accept that I really have hurt them, deeply. I'm blissfully, contradicting, that it was just my actions. I really wanted to remake it. In a way, that they get what they deserve, and give me a peace of mind.

When a mad man thinks, a mad man, dies.

There's this big space in my mind that accepts inconsiderate opinions on how I should manage my damn life. Since open mind theory has never departed my mind. I know, it will be wise to know what opinions I'll use in living, a good mortal being. I was a kind that tends to go with the flow, but with the irrational thing that comes with it, rebellion.

I was never affected before. I was so random. This non sequitir wrongs have occupied me, they made me complete, for a while. The more I have been subjected to domination reasons, the more I want to bring more failures. I know, I'll just be ruining my life, I don't owe them understanding, but just to satisfy them.

Everybody has reasons.

But the disappointing fact is that when the reason behind is not enough to suffice the hollow questions and aggravations. I know language. It's meant to be used. For a clear flow of communication and for expressing your emotions through words. Its inevitable not to use it. But the more I rationalize myself, I can't help but to commit wrong messages under the process. I want to be heard. There's this small voice inside of me that wants to be heard. I want to be understand. That's my understatement. I fooled many people by saying what they wanted to hear, make them feel pleased, though I know inside of me, it's wrong. I'm not making myself a favor. I'm crushing my own satiable pleasure. I know. But why am I doing such?

My words and beliefs mis leaded me. I'm vowed to suffer.