I am.


For immature purposes, I always posed for something egotistical. I love challenging people. I love changing their views about me. I love how to make them realized they were wrong. They were wrong loving me, or making a fuzz to really know me. Now, I know I did wrong. I can't take back all of those. Maybe I was too casual about it, I was a real jerk. Maybe because I love to jerk around jerking people. Now that really pissed someone. I know that someone really cared for me well, loves me. And I pissed the hell out of her. I'm wishful that I have done that to other people rather than her. Stupidity took over, and I obliged. I'm really sorry for my accountable mistakes done. I think I will never be loved just the same by this person. I'm sorry for myself.

Damn right, I'm obsessed.

You don't know the feeling, it consumes you... Draining all your memories of alienated days, of how you really became as what you are now, and losing yourself in the process... It's like you've lost your identity, your nature, your body and soul. You've been dominated to the idea that you are so much in love and in love with the same idea that brought you to where you are now. You will lose control to everything, much you have invested to live your life as a euphoric being. I suck at controlling, telling myself I can handle this and that.. to the conspiracy that I admire, I thought I can, But it did kill me. In so many ways.

People who really cares about me have now turned their backs on me, because I don't listen to their warnings and all, to the idea that it s the first time that I experienced this and I'm loving it, so just they just stayed away.. leaving me with nothing....

Before I have love her, I told myself I was ready. Pretty damn ready to be hurt again... Constraining it, I think I gave it all again, leaving nothing for myself... You just love no matter how stupid you become... Another understatement of my queer attitude and odd thinking... Now I think I've lost it. I'm going insane. I want to let go, maybe it'll be for the better... But I just don't... This time I suck because my strongest point was her and letting her go will bring me death... she's my weakness and all... And for the last reason I had in my mind... I've been selfish, I loved her without considering how'd she feel... and for the same reasons I'm hurting her... Loving the person doesn't mean you have the right to hurt them.. :(

I'm in confusion.

I'm blogging because I hate myself.

I'm easily influenced by people around me. I hate it because, it can change me to something that is not which I'm such. I hate myself because I can't trust people so close to me that the moment I realized that I have to, they're gone, or its just too late, I've already hurt them. I really really hate myself for not having my own intuition in place. I've been very cruel, I've hurt the most important people to me. People who will never hurt me intentionally. But I did. I'm wishful to the idea of having things back, as they were, or have it a second chance. I really didn't mean to be such. And I just can't accept that I really have hurt them, deeply. I'm blissfully, contradicting, that it was just my actions. I really wanted to remake it. In a way, that they get what they deserve, and give me a peace of mind.